My Year of Questions

As of lately, I’ve been evaluating my life and questioning everything. The more I ponder the more questions I come up with. Making the decision to remain in Korea for another year, things have gone a different path than anticipated. During my brief respite in NY, I thought I had everything figured out for this coming year, but alas, nothing goes exactly how it plays out in your head. I feel like I haven’t quite found my footing yet, bouncing back from being jobless to being at a job that isn’t fulfilling. Having an erratic foundation is a struggle when I thrive at stability but I know things will settle in soon enough.

So what am I doing in life? To put perspective on things, I listed all my current personal problems and tribulations and I thought, “Will this matter 5 years from now?” The answer of course was no. Which got to thinking, “What do I want in life?” I want to make a difference in people’s lives. I want to influence people, inspire people, and leave things better off than when I found them. I want to play a significant role in someone’s life, enrich it in some way that no one else can. I want to touch someone emotionally and cultivate meaningful relationships.

Steve Jobs famously quoted, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to be doing what I am doing today?” Ironically that quote is hanging in the office of my current job. Staring at it day after day coupled with the feeling of dread going into work, I knew I had my answer. Well, half of my answer.

I knew I didn’t want to be working there, but what did I want to be doing? My last day on Earth is too short a span, so I started thinking about my last month. I’d want to be spending as much time with my family and friends, and travel the world. I’d want to hear beautiful music, create one more piece of art, and dance one more time. I’d need to see nature, not the Taj Majal or the Eiffel Tower but breathtaking sights of the Aurora Borealis, beautiful sunsets over water, or admire how the moon contrasts against an inky black sky.

What do I currently represent? I’m at a bit of a crossroads. I don’t want to live life superficially, and be judged superficially, yet I do. It’s an internal struggle I have with myself due in part with my love affair with shopping. I sacrifice food over a good pair of shoes any day and for this reason, I think my views are still a little skewed. I can still recall getting stuck in Boston with no money because I decided I had to have these amazing pair of boots but forgot to save money for my ticket home.

Am I doing what I should be doing now, or should I be planning my life more structured? Am I manifesting my future or idling? For the first time in my life, I am getting nervous about getting older. But I guess that’s what your 20’s are for. Still learning about yourself, reflecting on your role in the world, and occasionally spending way more than you should on shoes.

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”- Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God.

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Pushing for More

“If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Thinking back to my days as a student, I remember the most rewarding teachers were not necessarily the ones with a sweet voice who always smiled, but the ones whose smile you had to earn. The few most influential teachers in my life were the ones who I worked harder than I ever did for any other professor. They were the ones who would stare at the clock until the minute hand switched over, thereby making you late. They were the ones who you fought tooth and nail for every measly point on the test, and put forth more effort. They were strict, ridden with tough love but only because they knew what people could accomplish if they were treated with a higher standard. The nice teachers were nice enough, pleasant enough, but it was the individuals who treated me with a higher caliber that have left a mark on me.

I find myself adopting this behavior in my classroom. In the past, I’ve had teachers tell me to just ignore the quiet students, the troublemakers. How could I do this? They’ve given up on themselves, resolved themselves to a life lower than their peers, and everyone has already written them off. I find my heartstrings being tugged at for those students. My attention also drifts to those who do have the aptitude for it. The brilliant students in the class are brilliant, but how did they become that? They either developed their skills from sheer will, born a sevant, or had someone rallying for them. It seems the better you become, the more critical people are because they know what you are capable of. If you settle for good when you could be great, you are still settling. People need and deserve to be challenged. As an evolved species, we have such potential for greatness, yet people often don’t come close to that surface.

Tough love needs to be in harmony with coddling because too much of either is detrimential. Growing up, my parents were a seamless blend of these opposing sides. I can recall the time I showed my father a 97 on my test and the first thing he asked was what happened to the other 3 points? My mother gushed, thrusting words of encouragement and admiration upon me. My father was proud too but he knew if he was hard on me, I would continue to work hard and not slack off. Last year at my school, the Vice Principal had me in a tailspin. For the first six months of working, I thought he was impossible to please. I was doing my best, putting forth my best effort and never getting recognized. It wasn’t until months later I discovered he secretly praised me. He never let it show because he wanted me to continually perform at my highest. I do believe in encouraging, giving positive insights and thoughts, but ultimately it bores down to the individual at hand. People can cheer you on until they are hoarse with encouragement but if you don’t believe it can be done, it will remain unfinished.

Students need to realize when a teacher is singling you out, being harsh on you, it’s not because they have a vendetta against you. Instead of rolling your eyes or disliking them as a person, try to think of it from another perspective. People don’t bestow attention on mediocre. The best and the worst in the world demand attention from others. Try to remember…if a teacher is singling you out, it’s because they see more in you that you might not be aware is there.

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Mud Festival

This past weekend was the infamous Mud Festival; the once a year extravaganza that brings foreigners from all over Korea to participate in an all weekend bash including copious amounts of alcohol, minimal clothing, good music, and generous helpings of slimy mud. It is the place where people break up, hook up, love or hate each other.

Having the foreigner Mud Festival experience this year was world’s apart from the Korean version I had gone to last year. Imagine Mud Festival being Spring Break back in America, with the community of people being basically anyone you have ever known. It was a continuation of the never ending web of who has hooked up with whom in an ongoing cycle. Skinny dipping, straight people kissing same sex straight people, losing possessions of underwear, money, and clear judgement were all a theme that ran rampant this weekend. It was a free for all for everyone, with guys feeling particularly comfortable breaking the socially acceptable invisible line of personal space. Any mixture that includes people, alcohol, and mud…what else can you expect?

Fortunately, the scandalous stuff was limited to pretty non threatening situations. There was one girl who told me she was taken away by one guy whom she expressed extreme distaste for, and thankfully someone stepped up to get her away. There was one story, however, that stood in my mind as cut above the rest and really put the icing on top of an already crazy cake.

Once upon a time, there was a guy who we’ll refer to as Peanut Butter. Peanut Butter decided to blow off some steam and head down to Mud Festival. He got very drunk indeed, maybe even a little intoxicated. Peanut Butter went to a club where he had a great time and met some people; even a guy he thought was cute. Peanut Butter went home with the aforementioned guy in the club and spent glorious hours into the morning celebrating. Only after the night ended did Peanut Butter’s friend find out that Peanut Butter actually had a girlfriend, a girlfriend who came with him to Mud Festival. A girlfriend, who had been waiting angrily in their room, calling Peanut Butter over and over to come home, while he was out celebrating with his new found friend. Peanut Butter’s friend was pretty shocked indeed, as he thought Peanut Butter was not only a free agent, but moreover shocked that it was a girlfriend. Moral of the story? Peanut Butter is confused indeed and needs to start being honest with himself and his girlfriend. Just as an aside, I actually have no real connection with Mr. Butter, but you know how word gets out fast.

Along with gems like Peanut Butter, Mud Festival is a great beach to go with your friends to have a good time, create new memories and embrace the absurdity of it all. It’s a place to meet people from all over to shoot the breeze with and enjoy each other’s company. Next year’s festivities, I’m sure, will be just as eventful.

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