Mud Festival

This past weekend was the infamous Mud Festival; the once a year extravaganza that brings foreigners from all over Korea to participate in an all weekend bash including copious amounts of alcohol, minimal clothing, good music, and generous helpings of slimy mud. It is the place where people break up, hook up, love or hate each other.

Having the foreigner Mud Festival experience this year was world’s apart from the Korean version I had gone to last year. Imagine Mud Festival being Spring Break back in America, with the community of people being basically anyone you have ever known. It was a continuation of the never ending web of who has hooked up with whom in an ongoing cycle. Skinny dipping, straight people kissing same sex straight people, losing possessions of underwear, money, and clear judgement were all a theme that ran rampant this weekend. It was a free for all for everyone, with guys feeling particularly comfortable breaking the socially acceptable invisible line of personal space. Any mixture that includes people, alcohol, and mud…what else can you expect?

Fortunately, the scandalous stuff was limited to pretty non threatening situations. There was one girl who told me she was taken away by one guy whom she expressed extreme distaste for, and thankfully someone stepped up to get her away. There was one story, however, that stood in my mind as cut above the rest and really put the icing on top of an already crazy cake.

Once upon a time, there was a guy who we’ll refer to as Peanut Butter. Peanut Butter decided to blow off some steam and head down to Mud Festival. He got very drunk indeed, maybe even a little intoxicated. Peanut Butter went to a club where he had a great time and met some people; even a guy he thought was cute. Peanut Butter went home with the aforementioned guy in the club and spent glorious hours into the morning celebrating. Only after the night ended did Peanut Butter’s friend find out that Peanut Butter actually had a girlfriend, a girlfriend who came with him to Mud Festival. A girlfriend, who had been waiting angrily in their room, calling Peanut Butter over and over to come home, while he was out celebrating with his new found friend. Peanut Butter’s friend was pretty shocked indeed, as he thought Peanut Butter was not only a free agent, but moreover shocked that it was a girlfriend. Moral of the story? Peanut Butter is confused indeed and needs to start being honest with himself and his girlfriend. Just as an aside, I actually have no real connection with Mr. Butter, but you know how word gets out fast.

Along with gems like Peanut Butter, Mud Festival is a great beach to go with your friends to have a good time, create new memories and embrace the absurdity of it all. It’s a place to meet people from all over to shoot the breeze with and enjoy each other’s company. Next year’s festivities, I’m sure, will be just as eventful.

Dating Korean Women

Dating in Korea has it’s own set of rules and regulations; the entire courting scene vastly differs from American style dating. Having dated Korean men, I know the foreigner female to Korean male dynamic but I was intrigued by the foreigner male to Korean woman aspect. I cannot speak for any which side, considering I am not a Western looking girl nor am I a Western guy, but these observations were based on consulting with a few of my friends, as well as my observation about things.

So why do Western guys date Korean women??

The answers I received really ran the gamut. Across the board, the first answer was based on the level of attractiveness. Western men found Korean women to be extremely appealing, due largely in part to the fact that Korean women are without reservation, wholly effeminate. Such a high emphasis is placed on the importance of sustaining outward appearances as something to be admired. By dressing stylishly and accessorizing, making regular trips to the hair and nail salon, and keeping their bodies maintained, it shows they aren’t afraid to indulge in themselves. While some guys came to Korea already being partial to Asian women’s features, for many of them, they had never had the inclination nor opportunity to date Korean women in their homeland. I think for many, they find their interest and curiosity growing. Everywhere you look, beautiful Korean girls are in abundance. I remember one friend telling me, “The thing about America is if you walk into a room, normally there are one or two girls that stand out from the rest. In Korea, when you walk into a room, there is no definitive ‘best’, one if prettier than the next.” I had another friend tell me if two girls walked in, one foreigner who was an 8 and a Korean girl who was a 6 or 7, the Korean girl would probably still be hotter.

Speaking about demeanor, Korean girls’ mannerisms can be very cute and there is almost an innocent undertone to it all. Deeply entwined in Korean culture is the ability to demonstrate humility, respect, and kindness. Korean women will not be found front and center on a soapbox, boasting about how great they are, while listing their credentials. On the contrary, they are humble to the point of excess sometimes. If a Korean woman (or man, or child, or ajumma) ever tell you they can’t do something well, be prepared to be blown out of the water when they finally reveal their true talents.

The subject of being docile was also broached. It was said Western girls tended to be emasculating, whereas Korean women were overall happier with a man’s behavior. It was noted Western girls are considered demanding and assertive, women who felt entitled to too much. One male flat out said Western guys were with Western girls because they couldn’t find a hotter Korean girl. It was alluded to…. that a Westerner guy who really cared about himself, would be with a Westerner girl. If a guy was with a Korean girl, all he is looking for is a submissive wife, not one with her own brain (a bit paraphrased but the general gist of the statement).

Speaking about the role of Korean women dating Westerners, I think it is important to include Westerner women as well. Sometimes, I have seen tinges of jealously arise with Westerner girls. So many foreigner guys show interest in Korean women, I think maybe foreigner girls feel a slight competitiveness or bitterness towards Korean girls. There is a limited number in foreigners in Korea, and Korean men are not as eager to date foreigner women, therefore, choices are restricted. It has been an ongoing joke about whether or not a foreigner guy is the type to only exclusively date Koreans.  

Playing the Devil’s Advocate, Korean women are not a preference for every Westerner. I have had the pleasure (insert sarcasm) to meet several guys who refused to talk or acknowledge me because I was Korean. They loathed Korean people (which I found incredibly ironic) and continued to carry on conversations around me either expressing their distaste for Korean people or pretended like I wasn’t there. Other friends have dated Korean girls but felt like they were too clingy, crazy, or the language barrier was just too hard. However, I do know of successful marriages that have successfully overcome the obstacles you face when you fuse two cultures together.

I think there is a never ending stigma for foreigner men who do have a preference for dating Korean women. It is assumed he is socially inept, wants an easy lay, has a Napoleon complex, the list goes on. In the end, it all comes down to preference. Some men are with Korean women for the wrong reasons, some have respectable intentions. Whatever the case may be, it is what it is.

Appearance

Physical appearance is based on personal taste; what is unattractive to one person, is the next person’s ideal type. No one can really help who they are attracted to; it comes down to that accelerated heartbeat you get when you see someone. Although beauty is widely subjective, there are still certain characteristics that are already deemed undesirable by the majority.

What never ceases to amaze me is how people react to outward appearances. Our minds are already made up from first glance if we are interested in getting to know someone. Speaking about a male/female dynamic, or vice versa, a man doesn’t think to himself, “Wow what an insanely average looking girl that is, let me go ask her for her number so we can be friends.” To even get a rapport going, the sorting process has already begun.

I’ve noticed in school, students are not treated equally. I have often witnessed the cool kids got a free pass by the teachers, but the sloppy or loud students have gotten singled out. People react to unattractive people with disdain or worse, completely forgo them as they pass into nonexistence. Overweight people might receive uncalled for attention as they are just going about their daily life. They might get ridiculed and subjected to unprovoked remarks and unfair assumptions. Yet, those who individuals find pleasing to the eye will be showered with charm and grace, above the call of duty.

A few years ago, I thought being more beautiful equated to happiness. When I was rudely awakened this was not the case, I decided to stop placing such heavy emphasis on it. Beauty should not come with a sense of entitlement. It doesn’t make you invincible/immune to hurt nor are you deemed better than anyone else. Once upon a time, I was told my hair was “my thing.” It was meant as a compliment but I thought to myself how horrible is it that I am associated with something so meaningless? My hair was always an attribute but at that point I needed to distinguish myself from it. I chopped it all off, donated it to Locks of Love. Coinciding with my heavy dose of reality, I stopped caring about what I looked like, because for me, none of it mattered anymore.

Until very recently, I relinquished that one track wayward thinking. I was not at peace with myself when I went through the changes afterwards. I let myself go in my eyes, and I forgot how to feel good about myself again. Caring about my appearance isn’t arising from a narcissistic place; my outward expression is most often concurrent with how I am feeling presently. To say it was a humbling experience still sells it short, but it was nonetheless character building.

Every once in a while, I still catch myself judging people based solely on outward appearance. When I recognize I am doing it, I try to reign in my errant thoughts. Everyone judges everyone else and whoever says otherwise is not being honest. It is important to recognize these snap judgments we make upon one another. I can still recall this one enlightening story one of my old professors told me in Middle School. He was shooting the breeze with a homeless man, one random evening in New York City and they were on the subject of literature. My professor recited an excerpted quote from Shakespeare, which the man not only recited simultaneously but continued on with the remainder of the soliloquy. My professor stood completely captivated, wondering how on Earth this homeless man could recall one of the most influential literary icons of America, when he, the professor himself, could not recollect but a quote from Shakespeare. It just goes to show you, people can always surprise you when least expect it.

Fine Line

A fine line serves as the division point in which two conflicting aspects are compartmentalized. If this hairline separation tips even an iota… in favor of one way over the other, that will make all the difference. For me, the whisper of crossing this line of invisibility is remarkable. My strongest attribute also doubles as my most hindering characteristic; stubbornness.

When people hear the word “stubborn”, it is a trait that bears somewhat of a negative connotation. Persistence holds a similar meaning, but with feelings of positivity. Stubbornness, perserverance, tenacity, all relatively in the same ballpark, all of them I possess.

I like to think many of the things I have achieved in my young life, thus far, were in part due to my refusal to give up. Recalling a specific instance to mind, this past month and a half I had been furiously applying to jobs once again. The job search never ceases to get easier in Korea because they are so specific in what they are looking for. Straight off the bat, I am considered undesirable being of Korean decent. I saw perfect jobs being offered every single day yet each recruiter I encountered would rebuke my attempts of applying to these jobs. They said I couldn’t have the hours I was looking for, or the location, that I would always be sacrificing something. They wouldn’t even try to help me. I was dismissed more times and been flat out told “no”, than I ever had before.

I never gave up. I applied to every job I saw, emailed every recruiter, every contact, posted my resume wherever it could potentially be viewed and I got the interviews. In the places they said I could never work, with the hours they said I couldn’t have, with the benefits of any other foreign teacher. I refused to sell myself short and would not take any less. Against the advisement of some people, I went ahead and steadfastly bargained and stood my ground for things that could have changed my Employer’s mind, had the job offer revoked, or could have isolated myself from future help but I needed to fight for what I thought was right. It feels exhilarating to do something that so many people said couldn’t happen, wouldn’t happen. I can appreciate it wholeheartedly because so much effort went into it and I am aware of everything it is worth.

On the other side of the coin; being stubborn to the point of being obstinate is a very fine line indeed. Walking the thin line between being strong willed and perversely persistent can easily switch from working hard to overcome obstacles to beating a dead horse in a flash. Letting go and walking away from a situation is by far a hundred times more difficult than trying harder. Relinquishing something is tricky because the natural instinct is to hold on. It’s a power struggle; there are simply things that no matter how much effort you put forth, it proves to be futile. In my personal opinion, it takes someone who possesses great strength to recognize this line of separation and to be able to release things when needed when the time is right. Even the stubborn ought to recognize when something is threatening to cross over that fine line.

As Anna Paquin once quipped, “Stubborn people get themselves in a lot of trouble, but they also get things done.”

Fate versus Free Will

Fate. Kismet. Destiny. God’s Will. All of these words reference that somehow our lives were already predetermined. Somewhere in the great book of writing, our life has been mapped out to follow a certain path, we were supposed to be born as well as perish on a certain day. Believing in fate means everything happens for a reason, it is all part of the greater plan. Every conscious or spontaneous decision you make will have an influence over how things ultimately turn out. All those trite sayings such as “What was meant to be will always happen” seem overused, but only because people believe so strongly in them. If you make choices that deviate from the path, you will always find yourself returning to the original place. The people you’ve encountered and the experiences had, all play an integral part of in your life. These things serve to assist and mold you into the person you are and live the live you were supposed to have.

On the other end of the spectrum, life is what you make it. There is no such thing as fate; you create your own story. If everything happens for a reason, why do pure hearts die every day while criminals walk without any repercussions? There is no luck or no coincidence; just perseverance, focus, and choices. Because you own a black car, there is no direct affiliation between that and the life that you live. People don’t meet others because it was meant to be, they meet them because they made a decision to show up at the same place and met as a byproduct.

 What about things people have no control over, such as, you cannot determine the circumstances that you were born into? It’s just the hand you were dealt but how you respond to these instances is exercising your free will. Is it fate if someone grows up in a drug induced atmosphere and thus because a product of their own environment? Or is it fate that that said person grows up and moves onto becoming CEO of a company?

 Do people who believe in fate act lazy or defeated? Do they sit back and do nothing because fate will come to them? Do people who believe in free will believe that their life is solely based on personal choices; that nothing is meant for them but whatever happens is because they made it happen? Does it all boil down to your own perception of yourself? How much do you believe in yourself, that your life was created for a purpose?

Seasons Changing

The seasons are changing, and it seems that is not the only thing that is shifting. It’s that time of year when the inevitable question is posed; to stay or to go? Traveling can be transient in state; the people you encounter, your job, where you live etc. Everyone once in a while, you are lucky enough to meet someone who makes a lasting impression on you.

I met him within my first few weeks of being in Korea at Orientation; he was extremely loud and forward, always the center of attention. I was shy and more reserved compared to his exuberant and affectionate manner, but we kept in contact.

I couldn’t exactly pinpoint when it happened, somewhere in all the months of meeting, he became my best friend. If I ever needed help with anything, he was the first person I called. If I was having a rough day, he was there to pick up my spirits with his positive attitude and encouragement. When I was overreacting about something minute, he would talk sense into me with a levelheaded approach. I would run ideas by him and I knew if he supported an idea of mine, it meant it was a good one.

We argued in the way siblings do; sometimes he told me stuff I didn’t want to hear, there was a lot of tough love, but it all came with good intentions. He has such a big heart and sincere character, always cheering you on with an optimistic disposition.

In a few days, he will be leaving Korea and I can’t say I am ready for him to leave. Throughout the months, I have grown accustomed to our friendship and Tuesday dinners. I consider myself lucky that we were able to develop such a great friendship. I wish him all the best. Robin, you will be very missed.

“You never know when you are making a memory.” -Rickie Lee Jones

Going Steady

“47 Years ago Today, March 5, 1965, I went ‘STEADY’ with Joy. The guys gave me two weeks before we’d break up, I figured one; well we’re still here………………..” (Written by my father)

Those were the days when men took their time courting women, chivalry was alive and booming, and both people invested into one another. It was a time of innocence; walking each other to school, holding hands, and coming to meet the parents and eating Sunday dinner with the family. Going steady meant devoting your time to one person and respect was a big issue, as were family values.

Fast forward almost 50 years and what does our pop culture have to say for itself? Teen Mom is a huge explosion which depicts a lot of dysfunctional children trying to raise children. Let’s take a look at celebrities where the trend is to have a baby with their boyfriend but not be married. Just read in the news today that Snooki from Jersey Shore is pregnant.

In today’s culture, it has gotten all too casual. People will text to make plans to meet up instead of call. Guys might preposition a girl “Let’s meet up at XYZ Bar, bring some of your friends.” A while ago I met a guy who thought it was perfectly acceptable to meet for beer for a first date. Needless to say I was appalled.

People are getting desensitized to bad behavior. Bouts of heavy drinking, usage of drugs, cheating, physical and emotional abuse…all of these things people are becoming more accustomed to. Everyone knows it’s wrong, but the severity of the situation doesn’t seem quite as appalling as it might have been some time ago.

I don’t need a white horse and carriage to pull up and escort me to my date. I don’t need to have a fanfare and be taken to the most expensive place ever. I appreciate acts of chivalry without having feelings of being submissive or feelings of inferiority. I think there is nothing wrong with men taking the initiative, opening doors for women, carrying heavy bags, giving up a jacket if she is cold. I don’t feel like a “weak woman” or like I have to prove my independence by refusing these gestures; I don’t find it demeaning, I think it bores signs of respect. Nowadays people might refer to this as the “Princess Syndrome” and my views seem outdated but maybe I was just born into the wrong era?

Blurring the Lines

My outlook on life is very basic; it is or it isn’t. The answer is black or the answer is white but not gray. It is an extremist way of thinking, which works both for and against me. I have always admired my friends who are more inclined to a go-with-the-flow attitude, very nonchalant and breezy, but I never was really that type. I know what I like, and even more so I know what I don’t like. I’m not afraid to tell someone my real opinion for fear of offending anyone but I try not to be malicious if the truth happens to be less then flattering. If I am feeling a certain way, it is always immediately apparent on my face, in the tone of voice I speak in, or my mannerisms.

I am born with stubborn tendencies; both the greatest and worst attribute to my character. I will not give up on something I think is worth it, even if I am on the wrong path. I will get things accomplished at my own pace, on my own time, without the prodding of others. The best way to get me to do absolutely nothing is to hover over me, crowd my personal space, and act like a nag.

I will never do something just because someone wants me to do it, nor will I be easily coerced. The only chance for me switch my decision is if or when I decide to do it, not because someone else is advocating for it. The hardest thing I have learned to date is you cannot change people, which seems like such a basic lesson yet people always fall into the trap. No matter how right you think you are, no matter what the statistics, science, or the President says…if a person wants to act a certain way or believe in certain things, they will. No amount of preaching, suggestions, alterations, barriers, or advice you give will change that person’s mind if they have strong beliefs. When people try to convince me their way is the correct way, I just count the minutes until they are tired of hearing their own voice. Then I go about my way. 

I learn best through experience, not through the advice and heeding of another. If a mother warns their child not to touch the stove because it is hot, some children might listen. The latter would touch the burner, get their hand singed, and realize there was truth in the “don’t touch the stove” comment. I would be one of those children who needed to get burned, regardless of the warning. Sometimes I wish there were things that I needn’t endure that supported the advice of the wise but it seems that I must figure it out for myself.

As I get more mature, it is evident things are not always absolute and I really go against my thinking when I try to keep this in mind. Some of my beliefs have changed from years ago so what I think is right now, I might not find that it is working for me later. Having a cutthroat way of dealing with things is good in certain situations, while in others, I question myself. I think my way of thinking sounds a lot harsher then I am but then again, who is to declare what is right and wrong?

Faith

Lately I’ve found myself in self reflection, evaluating my life in the past ten months and deciding on the next course of action to take. Still fresh from a whirlwind travel through Cambodia, Thailand, and Vietnam, I feel rejuvenated again. I saw some magnificent architecture, crawled through the same tunnels the Vietcong once hid in from the US soldiers, bathed an elephant in the river, met people from all walks of life….it was waking up and never knowing what the day was going to hold that was so intriguing.

I wanted to keep going, keep discovering and trying new things, keep walking and documenting everything in hopes of capturing the beauty of what I saw. I wondered why every day couldn’t be like this, but maybe if every day was like this is would lose its appeal. There must be lows in life so we can enjoy the high points.

All of this reflection led me to question what is the next step in my life? What did I want and how could I put this into action? As much as I want to plan things, if I overdue it, the plans always change. Nothing ever goes completely according to plan so it’s a moot point to map everything out. I knew the time at my school would end with the year contract. It was a wonderful learning experience and I had a very positive work environment. Although they asked me to stay, I had to decline because I want to have a new adventure next year. I want to keep growing as a person. For better or for worse, risk versus reward, I took a leap and decided not to resign without another job lined up.

When I first moved here, I was so eager in trying different things, always up for a new adventure. Ten months later, I lost some of that exuberance. I stopped seeing Korea as a nonstop vacation and started accepting it as my new life. I think now is a time for me to keep trying new things, learning, making mistakes, reworking things, growing as a person. I want to eat authentic pizza in Italy, walk through the streets of Greece, sit on the beaches in Palau and Bali, shop in Singapore, tour the Louvre, see the Northern Lights. I want to taste real chocolate from Switzerland or Belgium, listen to live music in Ireland, see the Great Master’s work in real life. I believe I work hard for the life I create for myself and I always, always, always have faith.

“Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see.”- William Newton Clark

Stuck in the Middle

Yesterday a friend proposed a new job opportunity for me. It was a voice recording, speaking English for a company and then getting paid. Half an hour later, I walked out with 40 dollars in my hand but I wasn’t feeling celebratory, just exasperated.

The task was simple; read the words on a page; sign my name on a piece of paper and collect my money. We were in the lobby waiting for the person in charge to come talk to us. A beautiful Korean woman walked in and immediately struck up conversation with my friend and then turned to me and seemed confused. She spoke Korean to me, unsure if I was a friend, a supporter, if she should speak Korean or English to me. I explained that I too just completed the voice recording. The man who facilitated everything then appeared and the woman started speaking rapidly that they cannot have Korean Americans participating. It was not her decision but it was the wish of the company that they have an authentic foreigner…you know blonde hair and light eyes.

I remember reading an article, months back about Korean adoptees that mentioned they have lots of hurdles to overcome when it comes to assimilating. They feel rejected twice; once from America, being the token Asian in a white community, but upon going overseas, they feel rejection from the motherland because they aren’t native. Growing up in an all white neighborhood, I always felt self conscious. In elementary school I heard the occasional racist remark, being called Jackie Chan or chink or someone would squint their eyes at me. Don’t insult me, I actually have quite large eyes without the help of surgery or circle lens. On the streets of NYC ignorant people would yell Konichiwa, Ni Hao, but I guess Ahnyohasaeyo was just too difficult for their tiny brains to formulate.

Now I am in a country where everyone looks like me; yet I still stick out. Once I open my mouth, it is clear I am not a native speaker. It gets tiring, repeating the same conversation over and over.

“Wait but you look so Korean, why don’t you speak Korean?”

“I am adopted, my parents are Italian”

“Oh I’m sorry. So how do you feel? Are you mad at your parents? Can you cook lasagna?”

Yesterday, I wanted to scream. It is not my fault I am adopted. I was a baby and I was helpless. Someone made the decision for me and off to America I went. I didn’t turn my back on Korea, it was the circumstances. I shouldn’t be put in the position where I am not “foreign” enough and I am not “Korean” enough.

To play the Devils Advocate, I have found I am more readily embraced as compared to a typical “foreigner”. Koreans feel very comfortable with me and they feel at ease. I am English speaking but Korean looking. I have ties in Korea, I am actively trying to involve myself in the culture, and maybe I can understand things more easily. Even though I was raised a foreigner, I am still Korean by blood and therefore accepted as a Korean also. My positive experiences in Korea have far outweighed the negative, and this is just an unfortunate instance.

If you closed your eyes and just relied on your auditory skills, I speak with as much clarity and conviction as someone who has the all “American look”. When you look at my name on a resume, you would conjure a picture of a young Italian woman coming in for an interview, not someone of  Korean decent.. I spent the first 23 years of my life living the all American way, eating pizza and ice cream, playing soccer and dancing for years. I live in an affluent town, graduated from one of the top fashion/art schools in New York. Now, I have a job as a teacher in Korea where I eat kimchi jiggae and rice. I wear slippers all day, bow to my seniors, and fix my makeup in public (unfortunetly I was called ‘vain’ in NY for this behavior but it’s perfectly acceptable here which is why I know I am Korean [haha]). I am Korean, I am American, I am both. Why else do you think this blog is titled KimchiandCavatelli?